EXTRACT FROM 'SLICE OF LIFE'
by Peter Devonald and Kevin Scrantz
COPYRIGHT 2004-2009: Contact pdevonald@hotmail.com for more details

               FADE IN:



               TITLE CARD: "SLICE OF LIFE." 

               A FANFARE of royal horns.

               TITLE CARD: "EPISODE ONE: HER MAJESTY'S PLEASURE."

               A British flag flies against a clear blue sky.

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         In what is being hailed as a
                         landmark in her fifty-year reign -



               EXT. GRAVY STREET - WILTON HOUSE - DAY

               Limousine glints in the sun, British flags wave on its
               fenders, as it cruises down a seedy street. "LIVE" flashes
               repeatedly in red at the top corner of the screen.

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth,
                         will spend a week in the home of
                         an average London family, chosen
                         at random. 

               Limousine stops. CHAUFFEUR hops out, runs to the back door,
               opens it.

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         According to Buckingham Palace
                         spokesman, William Bugger -

               QUEEN'S blue shoes hover over the gravel. 

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         The Queen, in an effort to bridge
                         the gap between herself and her
                         subjects, and to quieten critics'
                         claims that she has grown out of
                         touch with her people -

               Chauffeur lays a red carpet under Queen's feet. Moving
               backwards, he unfurls the carpet down the path to the
               house.

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         Has agreed to be in the company
                         of a TV crew filming her stay
                         with the Wiltons of Gravy Street,
                         east London.

               Queen steps solidly onto the red carpet and stares tight
               lipped at the house with trademark frozen glare. 

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         In a show of jubilation not seen
                         in Britain since Victoria's day,
                         Her Majesty's arrival is greeted
                         with ecstasy by the entire
                         community.

               A CROW CAWS, O.S. 

               A single DOG stops on the empty street to look at the
               Queen.

               Queen raises her white-gloved hand, gives a cursory wave.

               The dog runs away, leaving a steaming poo on the pavement.

                                   QUEEN (V.O.)
                         Of course one is thrilled at the
                         prospect of tightening bonds
                         between royalty and these others. 



               INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE - DAY

               A Lego block model of the palace sits on gleaming parquet.

                                   QUEEN (O.S.)
                         It is a wonderful opportunity to
                         reinforce the fallacy - er, fact,
                         we are all woven from the same
                         threads. 

               Queen, utterly composed, sits before a red velvet backdrop.

                                   QUEEN
                         Royalty is but a name, and we are
                         all human, yes?

               Loud scuffling and growling O.S. Queen, annoyed, turns
               towards it. 

               PRINCE PHILIP, on all fours, tartan blanket in his mouth,
               plays tug-of-war with an infuriated CORGI. 

               Queen purses her lips, looks coldly at the camera as she
               gracefully sips tea. 



               INT. WILTON HOUSE - DAY

               RICHARD and KAY WILTON face the camera. Both are 40
               something, boxy, bored, uncomfortable on their couch.

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         Richard and Kay Wilton, and
                         lovely daughter Lucy, were chosen
                         from thousands of Londoners for
                         the privilege of hosting this
                         historic event at the family
                         home.

               TITLE CARD (across the bottom of the screen throughout):

               NAME: Richard Wilton 

               AGE: 40 

               JOB: Who wants to know? Will this be passed onto the dole? 

               AMBITION: To drink a shot from Christina Aguilera's navel.

                                   RICHARD
                         Damned if I know how we got
                         chose. I blame Kay. She's always
                         entering these dumb contests -

                                   KAY
                         Right. For dishes, or a new car,
                         or house, or - 

                                   RICHARD
                         Typical, ain't it? We don't win
                         anything useful, oh no, not us.
                         WE get the bleeding Queen.

                                   KAY
                         It's not my fault -

                                   RICHARD
                         Who's fault is it then? Jesus...
                             (to camera)
                         We ain't even getting paid for
                         it.

               Richard drags his hand through his hair and storms out. Kay
               bites her lip, looks into camera.



               KITCHEN

               Kay half-heartedly shoves a dust mop across the floor. 

               TITLE CARD (across the bottom of the screen throughout):

               NAME: Kay Wilton 

               AGE: Oi, mind your own business. 

               JOB: That would be nice.

               AMBITION: Yeah, wouldn't mind that as well.

                                   DOT (O.S.)
                         You must be thrilled, luv.

                                   KAY
                             (monotone)
                         Yeah. Thrilled.

                                   DOT (O.S.)
                         It's not every day you have
                         royalty visit, present company
                         excepted -

               Perched on the counter like a skinny vulture, DOT, 40's, a
               frizzy-haired blonde in skintight pants and halter top.

               TITLE CARD (across bottom of screen throughout):

               NAME: Dot Hendricks, Neighbor

               AGE: I got the body and drive of a girl of 16, and if you
               don't believe me, my phone number is XXXX-XXXXXXXX

               JOB: Beverage dispenser. (Barmaid)

               AMBITION: To break a million hearts, just like Di.

                                   DOT
                         It's an honour, Kay.

                                   KAY
                         If it's such a bloody honour, you
                         take her.

                                   DOT
                         Where would I put her? 

               LUCY WILTON, 16, dour, blue hair and multiple piercings,
               slouches in and roots around inside the refrigerator.

               TITLE CARD (across the bottom of the screen throughout):

               NAME: Lucy Wilton 

               AGE: 16 - I'm legal, you know 

               JOB: On the. 

               AMBITION: To be famous.

                                   LUCY
                         She ain't sleeping with me. Old
                         people smell funny.

                                   KAY
                         Where's your freaking manners?
                         Don't you see we've got company?

                                   DOT
                         That's alright, luv, I'm like one
                         of the family.

                                   KAY
                         Not you.

               Kay indicates the Camera Crew. 

               Lucy raises her shirt. Mosaic tiles blur her breasts. 

                                   LUCY
                         Look, mum, I'm Madonna.



               LUCY'S BEDROOM

               Lucy sits on her bed facing the camera, puffs a cigarette. 

                                   LUCY
                         I thought mum and dad were lying
                         when they said the Queen was
                         coming here, like they do about
                         everything else. 

               Lucy stubs the cigarette out into the ashtray, venomous.

                                   LUCY
                         I nearly stomped 'em both to
                         death when I found out she was
                         bunking with me. 

               She smiles, leans back, crosses her legs, very much the
               flirty teenager, black fingernails stroking herself

                                   LUCY
                         But the producer of this show's
                         promised me a job, so I guess I
                         can be nice. 

               Lucy lights another cigarette.

                                   LUCY
                         She just better not try
                         anything... I don't shag
                         antiques.



               EXT. GRAVY STREET - WILTON HOUSE - DAY

               Queen stands stock still by the front door, waits.

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         Now the time has come for them
                         all to meet, and the atmosphere
                         is positively electric with
                         suspense.

               Queen stares at the door. Nothing happens. She turns to
               Chauffeur.

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         The all-important first
                         impression. 

               Chauffeur leaves the car, runs up the path, rings the
               doorbell. 

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         Psychologists suggest that the
                         first three seconds are
                         absolutely crucial in creating a
                         lasting impression.

               Queen straightens her clothes and flowery hat.

               Lucy opens the door. Queen semi-smiles. Lucy rolls her
               eyes.

                                   LUCY
                         Oh. You. MUM! DAD! SHE'S HERE!
                         Come in, I guess - don't touch
                         anything.



               INT. WILTON LOUNGE - DAY

               Queen's eyes widen in horror as she looks around. Manky old
               carpets, grime, clutter everywhere.

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         In order to allow for one hundred
                         percent authenticity, the
                         producers have not interfered in
                         any element of the Wilton
                         household.

               A CAT perched on a wardrobe bats Queen's hat.

               Queen takes a handkerchief from her purse, lays it on the
               edge of a chair, sits, handbag on lap. 

                                   LUCY
                         So, you're the Queen then?

                                   QUEEN
                         Quite.

                                   LUCY
                         What's it like being the most
                         hated person in Britain?

                                   QUEEN
                         One rather thought that was Tony
                         Blair.

                                   LUCY
                         Ha! One better guess again. 

               Kay and Richard come in, pulling on clothes. 

                                   RICHARD
                         Ah, you found it then.

               Richard takes a five pound note from his pocket, unfolds
               it, shoves it up to Queen's face.

                                   RICHARD
                         Yep, it's her alright. Bigger
                         nose in person, eh? Quite a
                         hooter, ain't it, Mum? I bet you
                         get that all the time, right?

               Queen looks away, miffed. Kay glumly curtsies.

                                   KAY
                         How d'you do, Mum? Let me show
                         you to your room.

                                   LUCY
                         You mean MY room!

                                   KAY
                         I'll give you the grand tour on
                         the way. There's some nice haggis
                         on the stove, so you won't go
                         hungry.

                                   RICHARD
                             (nudges Lucy.)
                         Haggis, yum! 

               Lucy chortles. Queen rises.

                                   QUEEN
                         One rather desired a yummy blood
                         pudding.

                                   KAY
                         Did one? There's the stove and
                         some pots, pet. Knock oneself
                         out.



               KITCHEN

               Kay swirls an arm around the room. 

                                   KAY
                         Kitchen.

               Queen sees garbage bags piled at the door, dirty dishes
               towering in the sink.

                                   QUEEN
                         The maids must be on holiday.

                                   KAY
                         Yyyeah. On holiday.



               BATHROOM

               Kay throws open the door. 

                                   KAY
                         The Convenience.

               Queen looks inside. Dirty clothes piled high. A thick black
               ring coats the bathtub.



               LUCY'S BEDROOM

               Kay leans against the door with folded arms as Queen
               inspects Lucy's mounds of discarded clothes.

                                   KAY
                         Your digs, Your Majesty. Just
                         pick up after yourself and you
                         and Lucy'll get along fine. 



               EXT. WILTON HOUSE - LATER

               TWO BUCKINGHAM GUARDS play chess by the front door.

                                   QUEEN (O.S.)
                         One has never seen such a dump,
                         it's Calcutta in July. 



               INT. WILTON HOUSE - CORRIDOR

               Camera moves toward Lucy's door. "LIVE" flashes.

                                   QUEEN (O.S.)
                         One could care less about
                         popularity ratings, Bugger! 

               Cameraman's FOOT eases the door open slowly. Queen paces
               with a cell phone.

                                   QUEEN 
                         Put another way, one will leave,
                         pronto, unless one is
                         accommodated in the manner to
                         which one is accustomed,
                         comprehendo?

               Queen runs a white-gloved fingertip on a dresser surface,
               looks at it: black. 

                                   QUEEN
                         Sort it out or one will sort you
                         out, permanently. We got the
                         Queen of Hearts, we can get you,
                         too. Remember that. 

               Queen notices the camera, primly slams the door shut.