EXTRACT FROM 'HOMELESS'
by Peter Devonald and Kevin Scrantz
COPYRIGHT 2004-2009: Contact pdevonald@hotmail.com for more details

               FADE IN:

               TITLE CARD: THE HAPPY HAPPY FILM STUDIO PRESENTS...



               INT. HAPPY HAPPY STUDIO - AFFLUENT SET - DAY

               ANDIE and JEREMY sit on a cosy settee. Well to-do, well
               dressed, you can almost smell the money. They talk straight
               to camera, all hand gestures and expression.

                                   JEREMY
                         Hello, and welcome to the Happy
                         Happy Film Studio.

                                   ANDIE
                         The Happy Happy Film Studio was
                         set up to grasp the mettle on
                         issues rarely talked about in
                         today's society -

                                   JEREMY
                         Our many, many, many, many, many
                         friends call it a hobby, but it's
                         a bit more than that. Every film
                         we make is a life-affirming
                         event. Isn't that right, Andie?

                                   ANDIE
                         That's right, Jeremy. Here at the
                         Happy Happy Studio, we grasp life
                         by the balls!

               Andie grabs Jeremy's crotch. Jeremy looks stricken, falls
               off the settee.

               TITLE CARD: JEREMY AND ANDIE's...

                                   JEREMY
                         We may be a SMALL London-based
                         Studio, but we're a SMALL London
                         based Studio with a great BIG
                         HEART. And we never lose touch of
                         the BIGGER PICTURE.

                                   ANDIE
                         Our aim with this ground-breaking
                         documentary film is to show the
                         sunny side of doom and despair.

                                   JEREMY
                         And though today's not a day for
                         sound-bytes -

                                   ANDIE
                         Or tooting our own horn.

                                   JEREMY
                         This humble offering will change
                         the world forever.

                                   ANDIE
                         We hope you enjoy it... but not
                         too much. Because enjoying
                         homelessness is wrong.

                                   JEREMY
                         Mmmmm.

                                   ANDIE
                         Mmmmm.

               TITLE CARD: HAPPILY HOMELESS



               EXT. FLYOVER - NIGHT

               A rough, rain drenched underground flyover. HOMELESS PEOPLE
               strewn around, underneath blankets, newspapers.

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         We've all seen them... We can
                         pretend they're not there... We
                         can even put on the happy-happy
                         magic glasses that make them
                         disappear... But they're still
                         there, a stinking swill of
                         humanity like running sores.

               FRANK comes into view, asleep in a soggy cardboard box. He
               lurches up, stares to camera, blinks, blinks.

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         Like Frank. He's not really
                         called Frank, but to protect his
                         anonymity and spare his family
                         embarrassment, we've agreed not
                         to identify him as one Stephen
                         Hughes, formerly of Watford.

               Frank stares at the camera, like someone caught in the
               headlights.

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         We follow him through 24 hours,
                         to see the lows and lows of his
                         non-'roofie' existence.

               Frank groans, sits up.

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         That's our cool, GROOVY,
                         terminology for those who live in
                         houses - breaking the negative
                         connotations about homelessness. 

               A blur of moving shapes and colors. SOUNDS of traffic and
               PEDESTRIANS on the crowded flyover. A swirling mass of
               SUITS. 

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         Frank could be any one of us...
                         Except he's not, he's Stephen
                         Hughes, formerly of Watford.

               Frank sits on the ground, begs. Suits traipse past.

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         But like all of us, he wakes up
                         in the morning... 

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         Well, most days...

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         And goes to bed at night -

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         Except when he's throwing up
                         blood.

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         Indeed -

                                   FRANK
                         Got any change, mate? Got any -

               Suit throws a coin at Frank's face, hits him in the eye. He
               collapses backwards into his blanket/ newspaper bed.

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         But for him, the daily toil is
                         only just beginning.



               EXT. STREET BEHIND TAKE-AWAY PLACE - DAY

               Frank scavenges for food from the back of dustbins. 

                                   ANDIE (O.S.)
                         Jeremy, some people could suggest
                         we could give him food -

                                   JEREMY (O.S.)
                         No! That's the last thing we
                         should do!

                                   ANDIE (O.S.)
                         That's right. Here at Happy Happy
                         Films we believe it best not to
                         tamper with the laws of nature by
                         coddling poor miserable
                         unfortunates. 

               Frank finds a bone from the dustbin, gnaws on it.

                                   JEREMY (O.S.)
                         This is true - as our Lord and
                         Savior said, Give a man a fish
                         and - or was it a rock?

                                   ANDIE (O.S.)
                         I believe it was a serpent. Give
                         a man a serpent and... Can't
                         remember the rest, unfortunately.

                                   JEREMY (O.S.)
                         Give a man a serpent and he'll
                         eat for one day: give a man a
                         snake factory and he'll eat for a
                         lifetime.

               Frank turns, pushes the camera away.

                                   FRANK
                         D'you mind? I mean, really!

               The camera shows the wall.

                                   ANDIE (O.S)
                         Jeremy....

                                   JEREMY (O.S.)
                         Yeah?

               Camera swings to Andie, look of disgust.

                                   ANDIE
                         He... he... Touched me!

               The camera swings back, shows Frank stumbling away.



               INT. FLYOVER - DAY

               Frank, shoulders slumped, walks back to his box.

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         And so... With nothing else to
                         do, Frank does what any other
                         useless person would do.

               Frank slumps back underneath the blankets and newspapers.

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         Let us not pity Frank -

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         That's right, Jeremy. Remember,
                         the good Lord's sky is a lot
                         prettier than any tacky old roof.
                         Is it really so bad to be
                         homeless?

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         We all must be taught to think
                         outside the box.

               Frank pokes his head out of cardboard box, looks about,
               puzzled.



               INT. FLYOVER - DAY

               A blur of moving shapes and colors. SOUNDS of traffic and
               PEDESTRIANS on the crowded flyover. 

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         And so Frank's day continues...

               Frank begs. More people go past.

               Frank begs. People go past.

               Frank begs. People ignore him.

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         Jeremy...

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         Yes, Andie?

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         Hate to say it, but...

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         Speak candidly, Andie. You're
                         amongst friends.

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         It's just, well... Pretty boring
                         TV, isn't it?

               Frank begs. People ignore him, walk past.

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         I mean... Do we really want to
                         see this?

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         Mmm, I see your point...

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         Can't we, you know, liven it up a
                         little?

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         You mean, like -

               Screen pulsates with strobe-effect. 

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         Yeah! That's good. And how about -

               Music blares out. 

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         Nice. And --

               Camera randomly pans in and out. 

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         Too bad Benny Hill isn't around
                         anymore.

               Different colours on screen. 

                                   ANDIE (V.O.)
                         Mmm, it's better but... Well,
                         it's better if we just don't
                         look, isn't it?

                                   JEREMY (V.O.)
                         Mmmm...

               Camera slumps down towards the ground.



               INT. AFFLUENT STUDIO - NIGHT

               Jeremy smiles to camera, tilts head, endearing. Andie sits
               beside him, all prim and proper.